Good Boy

With my mood swings in the big house on one particular day night I was really down, I was on a pill that was making me dizzy, nauseous and gave me a thumping head ache as well. So the combination of all those things I was in a strop, staff didn’t listen, I couldn’t get my point over so I went off to my room (not for the first time) in a bigger than normal strop. Then after a while I was asked to explain my actions which I did, then a staff member looked up what had been said during the week about the pill situation, which just confirmed everything, so I went to bed, at no time was I checked on by staff but a week later I was rudely awoken by staff to take my temperature  So being ill they left you alone, but to test my temperature when nothing wrong …..

So i did this Picture.

Yes two members of the Wind family, basically they would rather like to know the facts before jumping to conclusions. I think lots of people could do this in life, ask questions and don’t take it on face value.

So more hand signal, gestures these can all be taken the wrong way miss interpreted, could even start a war, mine are all for the good things in life.

These show the heart, ok, the wave and the Volcan live long and prosper In the Big House (I quite like to call it the big house now) we looked into how our substance effected our bodies and mind, that is without the injuries caused by accidents, over dosing, seizures and the like. Now I was going to say about the liver, kidney, artery, lung and brain damage but I would just be quoting from a book so I am not going to. The last thing I want to do is preach health to anybody, having ignored it most of my life. Who wants to listen to me preaching my right and wrongs of those things left me years ago.

Well this is All Seeing Eye, I have no godly or righteous connection just an extra eye that has seen a lot of things, things my real eyes have missed. In group therapy we meditated using controlled breathing to relax the mind and concentrate on inner peace, this relaxing process did result in the act of snoring for many of us especially after a heavy week of counselling. I use my extra eye and mind to take to me to my safe space, a place that no one or nothing can hurt me, where I can walk along a fantastic near empty beach, listening to the crash of the waves on the shore, ( yes a bit romantic). I found doing this meditating extremely good when I felt angry and anxious, a few long deep breaths in and out helped calm my mind. I will be using the breathing in my everyday life, and my all seeing eye will protect my mind “from the I need or want a drink”. When you are free from alcohol that urge can last ten to fifteen minutes.

Now there were words I did not like in rehab, junky, drunk, give up and quit.

Quit is a negative, as is give up. I am now a non-user. Junky and drunk are demeaning.

From the big house we went for group walks along the Grand Union canal, well I say walks sometimes with a particular member of staff it was a route march.

I did all the research stuff in the Big House but drew it at home I just couldn't do it there, it is raining and I used a mixture of acrylic paint and pastels, the person on the bench was me all alone and feeling really down, now my wife would say it’s not me because of the umbrella which I drew for effect. I think people should have a licence to use such a violent and deadly weapon, but a parasol on a hot sandy beach is another thing they are a must.

 From inside of the beach hut and no parasol here.

Yes another picture this time looking out of a beach hut, I was In a very good place when I drew this, I used mainly chalk and pencil for this one. It reminded me of an old quayside somewhere. Drawing and doodling really helped me more that I could not have imagined, it was a fantastic outlet for me, I was able to express myself without the need to talk. If only politicians drew instead of talking. When we in therapy they talked about using a safe place that we could go to when under pressure or feeling any dark emotions mine as you may guess is sun, sea and sand the beach hut just gives me a bit more security in my mind. I love walking along the Atlantic Coast of Spain dunes and sea vast areas of unspoilt beaches with my wife hand in hand and we have done it a few times.

One voice, One Mission

There’s that mouth again, without talking this time and thousands of people marching as one, wondering what it is all about, talking as one but not being heard, (a small political statement), done in all pencil apart from the mouth.

Talking is fundamental in rehab, without talking and expressing those thoughts it does prolong the process, but as said earlier very, very hard. The magic circle is a bit like watching football pundits on the television and only they know what they are talking about, as users we all understood.

Hands again, done in pencil, depicts, support, friendship, helpfulness, peace and tranquillity. We all need support and help, I ignored it for too long.

As I said earlier the journey to rehab took twenty years, the journey to the place I am now, fifteen weeks, most of my faculties are returning, I’m sober, I’m writing this and doing art. Looking back over those weeks, I didn’t really suffer medically as in withdrawals, the nine people that left I have no idea where they are or if they are alive, I just hope they are at peace, those I left in the big house just do your best and work hard you never know what is round the corner. I packed my bags four times ready to leave but I stayed, I was an angry person in denial, but I have been sorted out and will take those next steps one at a time, life is life it is not a race. I still have questions I need answering in my head, I was very happy that I got funding, I was not happy that I was away from my house and family but I had to go away for the sake of them all and basically for me.

So I have become a non-drinker, learned to talk sometimes, got myself a new pastime i.e. drawing, doodling and painting soon. I have a few art projects I would like to do. The wind family will make an appearance soon perhaps on another platform which is going to be interesting and perhaps a bit political.

I had some sad news this week, the death of a Zoom friend, I didn’t know him like mates or anything like that, but we were in touch with each other by email and on Zoom, I believe it was pneumonia brought on by his poor health due to his drinking, because I was away and no contact with him it came as a bit of a surprise, I would have said shock but as addicts we put ourselves at risk every time we use.

Child Of Project I hope to help in any way I can, hopefully this piece of work will help someone in need of help and to raise awareness that through art it can inspire and get people through a difficult time. Help is hard to find at the moment but it is out there, both for the user and the family. Look for it, ask for help society may not have treated you kindly, but you deserve it, everybody needs a chance to become a non-user.

Yes i won i lasted twelve week, a very small lenght of time in my life but the most important.

Thanks for your support in reading and my ramblings and looking at drawings/doodles, pass them around show everyone all I want is for someone to get something out of this however small, whether you’re the abuser or abused, share and talk, let it out, scribble, doodle, ramble, and etch it down. I had nothing to lose except my life and family, I have got that chance, that one chance to live a bit, and without my substance hanging around. It is not easy I’m now two months out of the Big House taking each day as it comes.

AND TODAY I’M GOOD

So thankyou Big House, Child Of All and my family for your support